Hundred and seven days.

It has been hundred and seven days since she has been gone.On Wednesday 11 October was the day She was born.She would have been 67 yrs old.My Dear Mother.Some days I think of you and just smile and my heart swells with happiness at all the good memories I have of you.Somedays I cry my eyes out thinking of you and your departure.Oh….Mama somedays I understand that you tried to live with the pain but it got too much for you.

I wonder if your at peace….I so wish I could just talk to you one last time.I wish you could tell me how is it at your side.I wish you could narrate to Me about the world your living in.I wish to ask you if its true that…you sheperd the ducks…is it true that everything Is  green and life is good that side.I wish you can tell Me  about  what life is like beyond the grave.I wish to see if you are living in a spiritual world or a physical world.have you met your Father yet?was it a joyful reunion when you met with your brothers and sisters.Where you amazed to see that your Mom was also there? Did she tell you that She also passed on the same day as you.

Have you seen your sons yet?are they grown up?what kind of a world to you live in Ma….or is this other world a figment of our imagination Mama?oh how I wish you could answer Me my Queen.oh MaZacharia I knew you were on your way out but it came too soon for Me.will I ever not think of you?will it ever be possible not to think of you bathong!days have turned to weeks and weeks to months and soon it will be years Mama.I miss you every day!

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If u have no scars,no bitter memories,that tears at yo soul…memories that haunts you daily,then you don’t belong at my table.I sup with those who have lived,who are covered by  scars and regrets,those who have fought and came back victorius…who have been to the battlefield and are still here to tell their tales…thank God am still here….to tell you that #Iam a woman…

life….A tribute to my Mom. 

Life as I know it will never be the same.I will Never hear you calling out My.”Seloile ever again, no one called My name quite exactly like you Mama….only you called My name uniquely. I loved how you called it.

It’s been a year since I heard your laughter.You laughed easily and simply.Your laughter was so soft like your voice.The lil girl in Me thought you would live until I was ready to let go.I used to think that you laughed at serious things…remember when Kagiso came back home beaten by thugs? When you started to tell Me you said ” Kagiso was attacked” and You said “iam heart broken”😢😢 and you started laughing and we laughed so hard oh Mama. I thought you were going to get well.

I didn’t think I was seeing you for the last time on the 26th.on the 27th I released you.Because you said “everytime I sleep you wake Me up” I woke you up at the hospital I called you Mama Mama Mama.but you didn’t answer.I feel so lost.You don’t know the pain of losing your Mom, Mama.You don’t…. ’cause You never got to hear those words that shattered my world. Your Mom is no more.No  you left with Her Mama.oh…..The lil girl in Me wants Her Mom.The woman in me tries to understand that it wasn’t easy for you Mama but never the less the pain is intense it’s so unbearable…. Tsamaya sentle Mosetsana wa Mokgatla….roballwa ke ditlhokwa Mama. Fela Botshelo will never be the same without you.Good night Ma….

Covered wounds don’t heal.

I sat there listening to Her as She told Me what I never thought She would say.She said guard your heart against anger and bitterness, they rob you of your peace, they eat at your soul.An angry Person can never write “love lives here on their status updates”, I laughed at this and She asked “why are you laughing” She smiled and it was so good to see Her smile after months of seeing Her face twisted In pain and anger. 

I said “am laughing cos I never thought that you know the language spoken on social media”, Owai. …You “think you are the only one who knows the social media language?”. “My Grand children always tells Me, and shows Me what they post on those social media”.Well She said” do not allow yourself to be angry to a point that it changes you”. Anger and bitterness steal  your blessings, you can’t be angry and be blessed! .”My Father,your Grand Father always warned Me against anger ” As She said it Her face got very sad.

I said. ..where has this wise Woman being hiding? She said to Me” here, She” said you know nothing humbles you like sickness.” It forces you to take stock of your life, You learn to appreciate the beauty of living. You realise how short life is, you suddenly remembers the values you had long forgotten”. She said  I tell you this because I don’t want you to make the same mistakes that I made.”I said but you have never been an angry person. She “said to Me, I have been.

 She said, “free yourself from anger” .When you are angry….you dance with the devil without even realising it.You sell your soul to Him.She”said My Child life is all about choice.You can’t give what you don’t have…If you have no peace…how can you live peacefully with others? If you have no love, how do you love the next Person?love loves…She said.I said jokingly oh Mamane you could be a poet you know……as I giggled. She smiled again…

She “said covered wounds don’t heal, they become wet and infested with puss and blood and sticks to the bandage and ends up smelling!.She said “I can never stress this enough that, when you carrying anger and hatred in your heart, it only hurts you and renders you powerless”.Nothing can ever be ok when your  inner Person is in turmoil.” ..I said “but Mamane you have always been this loving and kind Person”. She said “you only say that cos you don’t want to hurt Me….I said oh no…and I meant this….This was the Woman who practically raised Me….raised My Babies, it pained Me to see Her ĺike that.

She said ” this is the real staff that life is made of….We are not in Hollywood. This is as real as it gets.She told Me ” when Simon died, I died with Him.My Soul, died….I felt so bitter, I asked myself “Kante where is this Karma thing that People always raves about?….I felt “He had an easy way out”.How dare He dies without paying for His sins? I wanted to see Him suffer! He was not supposed to die…..She said “I punished Myself in the process.I never left the dead to be buried, and continue living.He still had a hold on Me beyond the grave.

Fear Held Me…..

I was afraid of moving on alone.I had two kids my first born ‘ s Father and I separated when He was seven years old.And I saw how it destroyed Him.My daughter had been close to His Father.He was a good Father but not a good Husband.He was a serial cheater.Every where He goes,He had a girl waiting for Him.Every store He entered in town He had a girlfriend.i wouldn’t go anywhere with Him without thinking that even there He had a girlfriend.

I started to doubt myself as a woman.The signs have always been there.I have never been alone as His woman, He always had a girlfriend.I thought as time went on this phase would pass….but it never did….We met in our early thirties and married when I was thirty five and Him thirty three.When I decided I had enough we were in our mid forties.

What finally broke the camel’s back was how unrepentant He was.He told Me that I like playing the victim. And I realised that He doesn’t care at all, I realised that I was gambling  with my health.I realised I was gambling with my future.I was dancing with the devil.He had Me with my throat and wouldn’t let Me go, the fear was crippling. …The fear of being alone was so great, so big that sometimes I could hardly breathe, I was suffocating. 

I made a decision not be the stats, My kids were still young and needed their Mother and I was not going to deprive them of living with a Mother.I walked out, from the comfort of my house.I walked out from all the luxuries I was accustomed to.I went into a life of discomfort. But I knew it’s the life I wanted.I wanted to preserve my health.i wanted to save myself from being chronically hurt. .always unhappy.A life of constant episodes of depression….I defeated my fear, and My journey has just started…..

In spite of…..

Have u ever been in a situation where in you felt that Inspite of….. iam still doing it? Or Inspite of It you still don’t get it? Inspite of this being that way I still am here and iam going to make sure I rewrite my story.

My Mother getting sick became an assignment to me.

How do I become strong for you Mama…..

After My Mom told Me that They had found that cancer has moved to Her head….that She has a tumor…i just said okay I see.I then asked Her what are they going to do? The Doctor is coming to Mahikeng on the 14th.”next week? I asked She said yes.

“You mean the Oncologist?”  yes Mama said.ohk I said . Seloile said Mama… yes  Mama I replied…You must be strong….For Me.i answered yes Mama.Then I hung up the phone. 

How am I going to be strong for my Mother. For my father…For My big Sis and my Lil brother. I can’t be strong I need some one to be strong for Me.

At the back of my mind am convinced that she will beat this one again. She had cervical cancer back in 1999.she healed from it.Last year in August they found lung cancer. ..she beat it.She will also became victorius again.

She will get healed from this one.She is a strong woman not me.Am not strong.My Sister is the strong one.Why is that my family thinks am strong.am not strong am weak and fragile.am the middle child and I suffer from middle child syndrome.

I refuse to live without my Mother….hence I can’t accept that this monster is back again to haunt her…..My grand mother is 96 years old.My Mom will be 96 & 97 &98.i will be in my Sixties when she passes on just like Her mother.

Iam not strong enough to live without Her.i wouldn’t know how to cope without her…i don’t want to.

Today’s whether.

It’s so gloomy and dark outside.Its about to rain if you ask Me.But it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s going to rain jst because it’s cloudy, gloomy and dark.Because it’s windy….not too windy but the wind might just ensure that the clouds becomes scattered.

Iam reminded of the irony of life.Thats why you should not count your chickens before they hatch…. or like the setswana idiom that says “Maru gase pula, musi ke one molelo”loosely translated it says when it’s cloudy it doesn’t signify rain but when you see smoke you know for sure that it’s burning somewhere. 

The wind can just come out of nowhere, scatter those clouds and clear the sky. Just like what happened to Ellen, She was young and vibrant and everything seemed to go her way.you know when they say the universe is in agreement with you and the Gods are smiling upon you….no actually laughing out loud upon your life..and your star shining brighter. Yes that was Her life.

She never  saw this coming.Her Husband was thee love of her life.When people speak of happily ever after and happily married they spoke of this couple.Then oneday not out of the blue….i wish I could say it was out of the blue. But it was not.its just that She never saw it coming. She never even suspected.

As she entered her yard on that fateful….cloudy…..gloomy and dark day.Her Husband’s car was packed outside and His best Friend Barron.Harry that’s Her hubby but I think that She had forgotten or one might even say She didn’t know Her husband’s name, because She always called him love, baby, honey and any sweet name she could…and so it was with him.

She felt it was odd that He could come home at that time of the day and not tell her.He knew that day that she would be out of town about 60km away on business for a day.But as it happened that day She got news that, the person She was supposed to meet with was hospitalised that morning…upon hearing that She had tried in vain to call her husband and His phone had been off…unusual. Well she decided to go home hoping He would call when He say her countless missed calls.

The house was unusually quite….given the fact that  there were two adults inside who are always so noisy.and She headed to her bedroom.Ellen had a habit of taking off her shoes, high heeled shoes especially upon entering the house…it was a habit she developed as a young adult. As usual she did that.so as she walked to her bedroom she had only stockings on her feet.

She wasn’t prepared for what she saw….Her Husband and his best friend  were busy making love.She nearly collapsed….They were so engrossed on each other that none of them saw her.she put her hand bag down and walked out of the bedroom…she felt dizzy. Walked to the sitting room sat down.Her eyes were glazed with tears but she couldn’t cry no matter how hard she tried. She got up….put the kettle on but felt dizzy once more and decided to sit right there on the kitchen  chair by the table in the kitchen.

Once the two men where done. They freshened up….and Harry saw the handbag.but wasn’t sure if it was there when they walked in and dismissed it as a quilty concious. They walked to the sitting room via the kitchen and when He saw her glazed eyes and Her tired face…He automatically knew that She saw them. …..Her world as She knew it was like the weather outside today. 

When you can’t sleep….

When you can’t even sleep because you fear that your Husband will strangle you in your sleep or smother you with a pillow whilst you sleep.

I woke up to find Him standing next to my side of the bed with a pillow on his hands….He stood just over my head . Shirley told me….i couldn’t believe it. 

He is a caring loving…..perfect gentleman. The one who is always going on and on about His wife. He can’t go anywhere without her.always wants her next to him.He always says she is my soul mate.And looking at their interaction one would never doubt that true love indeed exist.

Even though that was the case.When you are as observant or should I say like to stick your nose where it doesn’t belong like mine….lol…you would see the signs.He would say something but the body language would say the opposite, Her body language would respond to His non – verbal communication. I felt this uneasiness sometimes between them.But then love comes with all kinds of emotions isn’t it?

So when, She said Dumi wants to kill me…i laughed out loud and said well…i know.i also want to kill Thabang. And She said seriously? I said yes! And She said why? And as idiotic as iam I started laughing and She said….There you again…laughing at unlaughable things.

Suddenly Her eyes welled tears.This is one of the strongest women I know.My friend would literally chase the lion in to its den with her stance hey! She can speak to it and it would listen to her quite, unwavering and calm voice whilst she tells it where to get off.

Hey..hey what’s going on I said.She told me.Dumi wants to kill me. And I said ok so which Sangoma did He visit.she said none….eish for an intelligent woman you claim to be sometimes you are ;Plain stupid! And I laughed out loud again.and she laughed too, we started laughing until our ribs hurt.but unlike we issually. Did after having a good laugh like talking of something else.This time it was different. …

She told me it started when she woke up oneday to find her loving Husband standing over here with a pillow on over her head.He was going to smother me… She told me but, i dreamed of my Mom saying wake up the smoke is going to choke you….and she said she kept saying to her Mom what smoke Ma…There is no fire mos….but She says Her mother was so persistent and like She literally shook Her to wake her up.and when she did, wake up there…was Her Husband.

What are you doing? She asked, killing you He said cooly. Hee bathong! Oh that’s the Me Now in reaction towards what she just said.And She said she never went back to sleep again.She woke up, went out of their bedroom to do her chores around the house…i would never understand how but she says She works better when everyone is asleep and none to disturb her…she could do a lot.

She says the second time it happened…She was taking a bath and what happened is She had her eyes closed and relaxing in a warm bath after a long day.and didn’t really hear Him coming inside the bathroom.He didn’t say anything but just started pushed Her head under the water and she started choking on the water.As she tried to scream…. He held her there.

She didn’t know it was him and kept praying for someone to walk in and as if God responded promptly to her prayer…Her daughter started calling her and came running to her bedroom and He released her and walked out.She said she was so shaken and coughing out the water. And asked Her daughter if she saw anyone going out of the bathroom and She said Daddy.

My mouth was hanging open by now and being the drama queen I some times am I said you are lying! And She said what for? I said I don’t know.and she said but iam done with Dumi.She said as She was packing Her staff to leave when Her Husband was on a two weeks training out of town…She found or rather discovered all the insurance documents packed neatly in an envelope which is strange as Her husband never packs anything anywhere as neatly… and bells started going off in her head.

She said you know my friend  I was confused about leaving and not sure but after finding that…i knew staying would be my end.it Was as if God said ‘you wanted evidence to prove what you already know akere….So here it is.She said I have left him because I couldn’t sleep in peace thinking He would smother me in my sleep or push me again underwater, She said I couldn’t even take a bath….a long relaxing bath….because i thought of what would happen to me.He was too careful not to involve anyone.She said ‘I became so paranoid that I even thought He would poison me….didn’t even want to leave the kitchen whilst I was cooking and didn’t even want His tea or coffee. ..it was too risky for Me…She said.

Have you ever felt afraid…i mean paralysed by fear….that the one you love wants to kill you because you have become an obstacle? Like He feels you stand between Him and what He wants? like what He has to achieve? Which is a new girl?

The day I remembered myself!

Have you ever forgotten about yourself? I don’t mean forgot to eat? I know most people have but..well I know I have done that on so many occasions. I put every one first and everything.i even forgot to pray for myself. Can u believe it? I concentrated on others so much so that I suffered.my relationship with myself suffered.

This caused me to be irritated, irritable, unhappy and moody. You know what the worst part was? I blamed the same people I cared for, because I felt that they don’t care for me….i expected them to care for me because I cared for them!

Then as I cried oneday looking my teary self in the mirror. ..you must understand that I love the mirror…..i can’t go past a mirror without looking myself at it lol. ….i saw   how miserable iam…how reddish and swollen my eyes where…and I asked myself a thousand rand question. …o llelang?& iam like how…..can u ask me? Yourself that?

Iam crying because iam lonely, because everyone is happy except me.and well I asked myself again. Why are you unhappy?now I was getting irritated with myself. But my inner person said…no answer me…i said  my husband and my children and  my friends are out enjoying themselves with their friends whilst iam left here alone. 

Well my unsympathetic…..cruel self said….who is to blame for that?.and I said please leave me alone! The voice said nope sorry I can’t iam you! Then I said why are you being cruel to me.Then it said no iam not you are being ridiculous! You forgot about yourself not those people! You are treating yourself badly not those people .

You have forgotten yourself…..you forgot how to live with yourself. You forgot completely who you are.You Seloile are nasty to you self. ..you are so pathetic! I was by now boiling at this cruel, selfish good for nothing inner voice that came from me.

But my inner self woke me up from my slumber.then my outer being concurred. Yooo. …my outerself said look at you! Who wouldn’t forget you please lady wash those tears off! .look yourself properly! Wash yoself now put on your best out fit .well I like jeans so I put on a nice Jean a clean shirt and I went out. To the saloon…i said to the hairdresser I want a hairstyle I have never done…that suit my face.

This came out.i love it.i loved it then and still love it for now…i have now started to remember myself. I have now started to read my books. I have remembered that it’s ok to be happy. …laugh uncontrollably. ….be silly and put on a lil lipstick. This is me. Seloile-Setshego Malete. An ordinary girl from mooidorpie (Itsoseng )