The weather outside.

Resembles what I feel inside.its cold and cloudy and dark.The clouds have gathered and rain can fall at any moment.my mood resonates with the weather outside.Today marks  ten months since I last saw my Mom.I look at myself on the mirror and see Her smile.My Sister and Father asks daily when are you coming home…the truth is going home is still so painful for Me.I miss Her more when at home that when Iam very far from my family home.It has just started raining and tears are brimming on my eyelids too.I miss Her more each day.I thought by now I would be feeling better.I thought as they say that  time heals all wounds,it would by now have healed mine…but no it’s like time stands still and pain gets worse.or I just don’t want to let go.I feel sometimes that being happy without Her is a betrayal to Her memory.I miss you MaMogapi.

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Good day.

My name is Seloile Malete,born Seloile Sylvia Zacharia.I used to write all my names until I realised that my unfamiliar setswana name is mistaken for a surname as they said there is no Zacharia in setswana.Don’t also ask Me why Iam Zacharia please.nonetheless I love my maiden surname.

I grew up in the dusty streets of Itsoseng popularly known as Mooidoorpie or Tlebebe,the older people used to say”odutse monate neh…odutse ko ga Tlebebe.I used to ask my Mom”who is this Tlebebe”and She would say it’s just a saying that you living large.

I never thought that one day I would be saying my late Mom….well let Me tell you about myself….I have been writing my bio since I was doing STD 7.I think they now call it grade 9.Iam a Motswana girl,a proud one.I speak fluent Setswana.When I developed my affair with books it was with Setswana books.

Every Wednesday when we went on library day I would take setswana books to read.Well then a friend introduced Me to mills and boon.Then I graduated to Danielle Steel even now I still read Her books when I have time.I have also added Wilbur Smith.

Well Iam living with a mental disease called depression.I didn’t know I was depressed until I was told so.They gave Me pills…happy pills.They gave Me trepiline for sleeping and prolax and many others…well let Me tell you about Prolex…I dreamed weird dreams..of Deadman with Women’s heads.i dreamt of naked people.Lawd…I was not sleeping I would wake up at odd hours.

I live with depression.or I have a mental condition called depression and Iam on anti depressants.I hope to be free of them one day.

What if we are the dead ones….

Ever thought of this,what if we who think are the living ones are actually dead?What if the dead ones are actually the living ones?Has it ever crossed your mind?

I sat there looking dazed and there she was…my crazy friend laughing.. .this dream was so real and so alive that i started thinking that she is indeed alive and well.She passed on when we were about 25yrs.She was pregnant with Her first child.It was so unbelievable that she could just die,bathong!like how does such a lively lover of life die?She loved life,She lived it well…She never robbed herself.She lived life to the fullest.She had just met a loving man.He loved her wholeheartedly, could even buy Her a train and railway if He could.You know clichéd as it sounds…She left too early,We expected a lot from Her.She started getting sick gradually and I never really realised how very sick she was.I never expected that she would pass on that quickly,Her life was finally coming together.She was expecting a child with a man who adored Her,after surving an abusive relationship.She was so happy it was infectious.Man…was She happy.

Then she went for a checkup,She got admitted. Two days later She was gone, Ao banna…just like that!We had too many questions with less answers.We were way too heartbroken,just didn’t know what to say.it shook Me to the core,I thought I would never get over it.It has been 18 yrs and I still remember it like it was yesterday.I dream of her sometimes being whole and so happy.and when I wake up, I wakeup more convinced that She is alive and happy…may be iam dead and living in the land of the dead.

So now you understand when I say what if we are the dead ones?after all we are going to die at one stage akere?what if those who are born are the ones who got too old to live anymore in the other world and they had to come live in the land of the dead so they can go live eternally….in the other world?confusing neh…but ever thought of this!

Hundred and seven days.

It has been hundred and seven days since she has been gone.On Wednesday 11 October was the day She was born.She would have been 67 yrs old.My Dear Mother.Some days I think of you and just smile and my heart swells with happiness at all the good memories I have of you.Somedays I cry my eyes out thinking of you and your departure.Oh….Mama somedays I understand that you tried to live with the pain but it got too much for you.

I wonder if your at peace….I so wish I could just talk to you one last time.I wish you could tell me how is it at your side.I wish you could narrate to Me about the world your living in.I wish to ask you if its true that…you sheperd the ducks…is it true that everything Is  green and life is good that side.I wish you can tell Me  about  what life is like beyond the grave.I wish to see if you are living in a spiritual world or a physical world.have you met your Father yet?was it a joyful reunion when you met with your brothers and sisters.Where you amazed to see that your Mom was also there? Did she tell you that She also passed on the same day as you.

Have you seen your sons yet?are they grown up?what kind of a world to you live in Ma….or is this other world a figment of our imagination Mama?oh how I wish you could answer Me my Queen.oh MaZacharia I knew you were on your way out but it came too soon for Me.will I ever not think of you?will it ever be possible not to think of you bathong!days have turned to weeks and weeks to months and soon it will be years Mama.I miss you every day!

If u have no scars,no bitter memories,that tears at yo soul…memories that haunts you daily,then you don’t belong at my table.I sup with those who have lived,who are covered by  scars and regrets,those who have fought and came back victorius…who have been to the battlefield and are still here to tell their tales…thank God am still here….to tell you that #Iam a woman…

life….A tribute to my Mom. 

Life as I know it will never be the same.I will Never hear you calling out My.”Seloile ever again, no one called My name quite exactly like you Mama….only you called My name uniquely. I loved how you called it.

It’s been a year since I heard your laughter.You laughed easily and simply.Your laughter was so soft like your voice.The lil girl in Me thought you would live until I was ready to let go.I used to think that you laughed at serious things…remember when Kagiso came back home beaten by thugs? When you started to tell Me you said ” Kagiso was attacked” and You said “iam heart broken”😢😢 and you started laughing and we laughed so hard oh Mama. I thought you were going to get well.

I didn’t think I was seeing you for the last time on the 26th.on the 27th I released you.Because you said “everytime I sleep you wake Me up” I woke you up at the hospital I called you Mama Mama Mama.but you didn’t answer.I feel so lost.You don’t know the pain of losing your Mom, Mama.You don’t…. ’cause You never got to hear those words that shattered my world. Your Mom is no more.No  you left with Her Mama.oh…..The lil girl in Me wants Her Mom.The woman in me tries to understand that it wasn’t easy for you Mama but never the less the pain is intense it’s so unbearable…. Tsamaya sentle Mosetsana wa Mokgatla….roballwa ke ditlhokwa Mama. Fela Botshelo will never be the same without you.Good night Ma….

Covered wounds don’t heal.

I sat there listening to Her as She told Me what I never thought She would say.She said guard your heart against anger and bitterness, they rob you of your peace, they eat at your soul.An angry Person can never write “love lives here on their status updates”, I laughed at this and She asked “why are you laughing” She smiled and it was so good to see Her smile after months of seeing Her face twisted In pain and anger. 

I said “am laughing cos I never thought that you know the language spoken on social media”, Owai. …You “think you are the only one who knows the social media language?”. “My Grand children always tells Me, and shows Me what they post on those social media”.Well She said” do not allow yourself to be angry to a point that it changes you”. Anger and bitterness steal  your blessings, you can’t be angry and be blessed! .”My Father,your Grand Father always warned Me against anger ” As She said it Her face got very sad.

I said. ..where has this wise Woman being hiding? She said to Me” here, She” said you know nothing humbles you like sickness.” It forces you to take stock of your life, You learn to appreciate the beauty of living. You realise how short life is, you suddenly remembers the values you had long forgotten”. She said  I tell you this because I don’t want you to make the same mistakes that I made.”I said but you have never been an angry person. She “said to Me, I have been.

 She said, “free yourself from anger” .When you are angry….you dance with the devil without even realising it.You sell your soul to Him.She”said My Child life is all about choice.You can’t give what you don’t have…If you have no peace…how can you live peacefully with others? If you have no love, how do you love the next Person?love loves…She said.I said jokingly oh Mamane you could be a poet you know……as I giggled. She smiled again…

She “said covered wounds don’t heal, they become wet and infested with puss and blood and sticks to the bandage and ends up smelling!.She said “I can never stress this enough that, when you carrying anger and hatred in your heart, it only hurts you and renders you powerless”.Nothing can ever be ok when your  inner Person is in turmoil.” ..I said “but Mamane you have always been this loving and kind Person”. She said “you only say that cos you don’t want to hurt Me….I said oh no…and I meant this….This was the Woman who practically raised Me….raised My Babies, it pained Me to see Her ĺike that.

She said ” this is the real staff that life is made of….We are not in Hollywood. This is as real as it gets.She told Me ” when Simon died, I died with Him.My Soul, died….I felt so bitter, I asked myself “Kante where is this Karma thing that People always raves about?….I felt “He had an easy way out”.How dare He dies without paying for His sins? I wanted to see Him suffer! He was not supposed to die…..She said “I punished Myself in the process.I never left the dead to be buried, and continue living.He still had a hold on Me beyond the grave.

Fear Held Me…..

I was afraid of moving on alone.I had two kids my first born ‘ s Father and I separated when He was seven years old.And I saw how it destroyed Him.My daughter had been close to His Father.He was a good Father but not a good Husband.He was a serial cheater.Every where He goes,He had a girl waiting for Him.Every store He entered in town He had a girlfriend.i wouldn’t go anywhere with Him without thinking that even there He had a girlfriend.

I started to doubt myself as a woman.The signs have always been there.I have never been alone as His woman, He always had a girlfriend.I thought as time went on this phase would pass….but it never did….We met in our early thirties and married when I was thirty five and Him thirty three.When I decided I had enough we were in our mid forties.

What finally broke the camel’s back was how unrepentant He was.He told Me that I like playing the victim. And I realised that He doesn’t care at all, I realised that I was gambling  with my health.I realised I was gambling with my future.I was dancing with the devil.He had Me with my throat and wouldn’t let Me go, the fear was crippling. …The fear of being alone was so great, so big that sometimes I could hardly breathe, I was suffocating. 

I made a decision not be the stats, My kids were still young and needed their Mother and I was not going to deprive them of living with a Mother.I walked out, from the comfort of my house.I walked out from all the luxuries I was accustomed to.I went into a life of discomfort. But I knew it’s the life I wanted.I wanted to preserve my health.i wanted to save myself from being chronically hurt. .always unhappy.A life of constant episodes of depression….I defeated my fear, and My journey has just started…..

In spite of…..

Have u ever been in a situation where in you felt that Inspite of….. iam still doing it? Or Inspite of It you still don’t get it? Inspite of this being that way I still am here and iam going to make sure I rewrite my story.

My Mother getting sick became an assignment to me.

How do I become strong for you Mama…..

After My Mom told Me that They had found that cancer has moved to Her head….that She has a tumor…i just said okay I see.I then asked Her what are they going to do? The Doctor is coming to Mahikeng on the 14th.”next week? I asked She said yes.

“You mean the Oncologist?”  yes Mama said.ohk I said . Seloile said Mama… yes  Mama I replied…You must be strong….For Me.i answered yes Mama.Then I hung up the phone. 

How am I going to be strong for my Mother. For my father…For My big Sis and my Lil brother. I can’t be strong I need some one to be strong for Me.

At the back of my mind am convinced that she will beat this one again. She had cervical cancer back in 1999.she healed from it.Last year in August they found lung cancer. ..she beat it.She will also became victorius again.

She will get healed from this one.She is a strong woman not me.Am not strong.My Sister is the strong one.Why is that my family thinks am strong.am not strong am weak and fragile.am the middle child and I suffer from middle child syndrome.

I refuse to live without my Mother….hence I can’t accept that this monster is back again to haunt her…..My grand mother is 96 years old.My Mom will be 96 & 97 &98.i will be in my Sixties when she passes on just like Her mother.

Iam not strong enough to live without Her.i wouldn’t know how to cope without her…i don’t want to.