When You can’t control how You feel.

They say what angers You, controls You. They say it has power over You. I fear.. Iam afraid. Yes fear controls my mind just like a multitude of people around the world. I woke up every morning and thank God for yet another chance at this thing called life.

I have a feeling that the world is coming to an end. I used to feel that the world comes to an end when You die. Maybe my end is near. My mind just can’t grasp what is happening around Me.. Around Us. Because it’s not only about Me now. It’s about global citizens. It’s about my nuclear family. It’s about my extended family and it’s not only about my neighborhood… No its about the whole community, its not only about our country. No its about the whole world. It’s not the chinese thing anymore.

It’s not only a national pandemic but a global pandemic. It does not matter if You and your family are taking care of yourself and stay in quarantine. No right now.. We are our Brother’s keepers and our Sister’s keepers. I can’t sleep anymore, I long to sleep restfully each night. But Iam unable to because even my dreams haunt Me.

The thing is, the virus does not travel but people do. When we travel we enable the virus to travel. The sad reality is we need to leave our houses to get essentials. We cover our mouths with masks and hands with gloves, so as not to touch the surfaces with our bare hands. Yes most of us comply. But there is someone in the squatter camp in Jakaranda who doesn’t own a mask and that person just like the rest would like to go out and purchase some essentials at the supermarket.Those are a risk unto themselves and also to Us. Then there are those who says Nna I will not be infected with Corona, those are the deadly ones.You know the ignorance of such arrogant people. Yes am saying they are ignorant because of their ignorance we are all risk.

We can be infected by these callous selfish individuals. I lay awake at night because I can’t sleep well knowing that we are faced by uncertainty as individuals, as a community, as a nation and as global citizens.

I then ask myself what is it that I can do to ease these feelings of helplessness? Am staying at home and observe the regulations as set out and communicated to us by our President and various Ministers of cabinet.but is it enough? Many a times I seek the face of the Lord to ask about my role In all this. I seek the counsel of the divine spirit. I even seek the divine intervention of the ruler of the universe. I seek the counsel of the ancestors. Yes I said it, I seek the counsel of the ancestors because Iam a child of my dear departed ancestors they are my guardian angels. I have a differing view point with those who says the Lord is angry at Us hence He is punishing us.

My God is a good God. He is merciful and loving. He is the creator of the universe. He will never punish us like this. No I beg to differ. God has protected us from so many grave and harmful things previously. Even now we are protected by Him. Most first world countries, rich and powerful, are badly affected by coved19 and has left a trail of deaths and grief but Africa has seen the mercy of God and I pray God will also help them and spread his wings and cover them.

When coved19 comes to an end life for us will never be the same. And also Us individuals we will never be the same. I pray to God to lead us with A pillar of cloud in the morning and a pillar of fire at night. I pray His word will be a lamp unto our feet during this dark times in our lives. Pula!!!!

Room Ten.

It was just an ordinary day,nothing special about that day. I saw Him as I got into the elevator,He looked at Me like someone He hasn’t seen in a very long time.”Hi beautiful”He said. Flashing a set of pearly white teeth. “Hi” Willing myself to look very uninterested. My heart was so ready to betray Me.”am Thabang from Mahikeng, He said as He came closer to Me.” Oh,Hi Thabang from Mahikeng”Am Keleabetswe from Lichtenburg”oh..so what are You doing so far from Home? He asked.”Work things “I said and You?”same”He said.The elevator stopped at 5th floor we both alighted. What are you doing then here?He asked..I’m here for the meeting. Oh…Me too. Which Company?No it’s government, department of Education.Ohk…are You also an educator?Yes Iam.

We got into the meeting and we took different chairs on different sides of the table It was a boring meeting and I felt drowsy.We could’nt keep our eyes off each other. During tea time I took a cup of my coffee and went to sit a lil further as I wanted to make a few calls. Was’nt aware that He had since moved to where I was. We chatted for a while until we had to go back. Oh Lord have mercy on Me…this guy is temptation on two feet. By Lunch time we were done with the meeting.

As I left the boardroom He approached Me. We picked up with our conversation where we left off. He asked Me where Iam staying, I was staying just a block away from the meeting place and I had decided not to drive there and rather walk as I had comfortable shoes on.He also walked to the meeting. We found out we stayed in the same guesthouse. We then walked together there. We got there so fast that I wished we could have taken a longer route.

He turned to Me and asked if I was going to be busy with something I said no. He suggested that maybe we could just hangout together if I don’t mind. Well I really didn’t mind.

I went inside my room, the number said 10 on the door. He was in room 6. My room was the last one,it was facing outside the yard.

He dropped His laptop at His room and came to my room. I had changed my shoes to flipflops and a short comfortable dress.

He had roving eyes,They were beautiful and seemed to see right through Me. My heart was betraying Me..He looked at Me and said You are beautiful Kea..I laughed and said well that’s what the cat always says to mouse right before it attempts to have it’s way with it. He laughed and said you are funny. He came closer..put His hand underneath my chin,looked in my eyes..slowly got closer and kissed Me. It was just a brushing of lips. I wanted more I got closer, put my arms around His neck and kissed Him. He kissed Me back..slowly, intensely. I felt a throbbing between my legs. He pulled at the strap of my bra,He then cupped my left breast and went for the other one cupped it with his mouth and circled my nipples with His tongue around it.

His arms glyding slowly to my thighs, He pushed Me to the edge of the bed. He slowly took off His jeans and was left only with His boxers…I looked from my position on the bed…His boxers were bulging. He had such a beautiful body like a sculpture,His thighs were toned and rock hard…His arms wow…I was mystified. He then joined Me. He slowly took off my dress, Pulled off my thong, Looked at Me like I was the most delicious meal He was about to devour. Well in a way I was…He then moved His lips to my mouth.

This time it was intense throbbing , searching but slowly so. My legs just slowly open at the anticipation of what was going to happen in a matter of time. He looked at Me and asked if am sure…I just nodded my head ..I wanted Him, it had been a year since I experienced such intense feelings. He made love to Me…He kissed my abdomen…kissed my inner thighs,oh…Lawd this is so…oh…Baby please don’t stop.He made love to Me. We moved in unison until we jst couldn’t hold it anymore. We were both bursting at the same time…And then I woke up…I realised that I was dreaming.mxxx.

When flirting get complicated.

He arrived at the office at the end of the year around spring time.Actually it was at the beginning of spring. At first He was just like most guys from villages and first time permanent employee. And new in the city.He wasn’t yet fully polished. A village rough diamond. You could see He has been through tough times.Yes He was neat and all…but there was an aura of sadness around Him, He wasn’t always sad.But He wasn’t happy either. He looked like someone who has seen a lot in His life, He looked like our Brothers from north Africa yet He was just from the Northern Province currently known as Limpopo.

I didnt think much about Him, He just looked like any other new guy in the office, nothing special about Him.He frequented our floor and would greet Me with a smile and we would exchange a few pleasantries. Nothing out of the ordinary. Then I dreamt of Him.And I started noticing the way He looked at Me.He would look into my eyes every time we meet and hold my gaze.He was young and lean, tall, muscular and dark. I don’t do dark dude I thought.I then started noticing how He looked at Me.I also became aware of His smile, His eyes when He looked at Me.He was always looking at Me.I would get uncomfortable about how He looked at Me.He was like undressing Me with His eyes.

Despite the fact that I am older than Him.I look young.Iam a size 36, Iam 1.5 tall.Iam not beautiful but Iam lookable, am pretty.You must see my breast. Am 38DD. well…I have realised that when I meet people for the first time, they first look at my mouth, and say my teeth are beautiful.Men on the other hand look at my mouth comment about my teeth and smile.Then their eyes move to my twins…well iam now used to that. Like am dolly Pardon..lol.

Well….I started noticing Kabelo and how He was frequently on our floor.I also started noticing how His eyes smiled when He looked at Me.I started noticing Him and the more I looked at Him I realised how attractive He looked. I told Him Kabelo am a married Woman.He said ” Yea i see that”but “also attractive. I blushed wow…its been so long since I felt attractive. “I don’t do young boys”His smile was so coy..”who said Iam young? He said.Lawd have mercy on Me.I looked at His mouth and felt a throbbing between my legs..oh Lawd please forgive Me. I feel things I have never felt in a long time.

Ao bathong! Messiah This Guy is just a temptation on two feet.How can He? Please devil..leave Me alone! I realised that I want to kiss this Guy.I started fantasizing about Him.I day dreamt of Him.I saw Him in my dreams.I saw Him in my house, on my bed…everywhere I go there was KB.

I realised that Iam always thinking of Him.Then…He sent Me an inbox..Hi beautiful. And Iam like..oh Hi stranger. Well…we started flirting on whatsapp. He sent messages in the morning and at night. We shared stolen kisses at lunch time.He popped in my office ransomly nje..Our hunger for each other grew everytime, every day.He made feel so desired, attractive and young.

Then I went on leave.And oneday went to the office to get documents I forgot.I told Him, I would be in the office.”I would love to see you My Queen but Iam so very busy”He said.”ohk I understand My Prince”.Then He came to one of the Colleague’s office. The Girls started giggling. And I asked what the joke was about.” He looked somehow rattled. “He said, he loves Me said one of our Colleagues.”Stop playing with His feelings said one Colleague”.

I was shattered. I felt like a stupid.I had started falling for Him..

The weather outside.

Resembles what I feel inside.its cold and cloudy and dark.The clouds have gathered and rain can fall at any moment.my mood resonates with the weather outside.Today marks  ten months since I last saw my Mom.I look at myself on the mirror and see Her smile.My Sister and Father asks daily when are you coming home…the truth is going home is still so painful for Me.I miss Her more when at home that when Iam very far from my family home.It has just started raining and tears are brimming on my eyelids too.I miss Her more each day.I thought by now I would be feeling better.I thought as they say that  time heals all wounds,it would by now have healed mine…but no it’s like time stands still and pain gets worse.or I just don’t want to let go.I feel sometimes that being happy without Her is a betrayal to Her memory.I miss you MaMogapi.

Good day.

My name is Seloile Malete,born Seloile Sylvia Zacharia.I used to write all my names until I realised that my unfamiliar setswana name is mistaken for a surname as they said there is no Zacharia in setswana.Don’t also ask Me why Iam Zacharia please.nonetheless I love my maiden surname.

I grew up in the dusty streets of Itsoseng popularly known as Mooidoorpie or Tlebebe,the older people used to say”odutse monate neh…odutse ko ga Tlebebe.I used to ask my Mom”who is this Tlebebe”and She would say it’s just a saying that you are living large.

I never thought that one day I would be saying my late Mom….well let Me tell you about myself….I have been writing my bio since I was doing STD 7.I think they now call it grade 9.Iam a Motswana girl,a proud one.I speak fluent Setswana.When I developed my affair with books it was with Setswana books.

Every Wednesday when we went at school we had a library period, I would take setswana books to read.Well then a friend introduced Me to mills and boon.Then I graduated to Danielle Steel even now I still read Her books when I have time.I have also added Wilbur Smith.

Well Iam living with a mental disease called depression.I didn’t know I was depressed until I was told so.They gave Me pills…happy pills.They gave Me trepiline for sleeping and prolax and many others…well let Me tell you about Prolex…I dreamed weird dreams..of Deadman with Women’s heads.i dreamt of naked people.Lawd…I was not sleeping I would wake up at odd hours.

I live with depression.or I have a mental condition called depression and Iam on anti depressants.I hope to be free of them one day.

What if we are the dead ones….

Ever thought of this,what if we who think are the living ones are actually dead?What if the dead ones are actually the living ones?Has it ever crossed your mind?

I sat there looking dazed and there she was…my crazy friend laughing.. .this dream was so real and so alive that i started thinking that she is indeed alive and well.She passed on when we were about 25yrs.She was pregnant with Her first child.It was so unbelievable that she could just die,bathong!like how does such a lively lover of life die?She loved life,She lived it well…She never robbed herself.She lived life to the fullest.She had just met a loving man.He loved her wholeheartedly, could even buy Her a train and railway if He could.You know clichéd as it sounds…She left too early,We expected a lot from Her.She started getting sick gradually and I never really realised how very sick she was.I never expected that she would pass on that quickly,Her life was finally coming together.She was expecting a child with a man who adored Her,after surving an abusive relationship.She was so happy it was infectious.Man…was She happy.

Then she went for a checkup,She got admitted. Two days later She was gone, Ao banna…just like that!We had too many questions with less answers.We were way too heartbroken,just didn’t know what to say.it shook Me to the core,I thought I would never get over it.It has been 18 yrs and I still remember it like it was yesterday.I dream of her sometimes being whole and so happy.and when I wake up, I wakeup more convinced that She is alive and happy…may be iam dead and living in the land of the dead.

So now you understand when I say what if we are the dead ones?after all we are going to die at one stage akere?what if those who are born are the ones who got too old to live anymore in the other world and they had to come live in the land of the dead so they can go live eternally….in the other world?confusing neh…but ever thought of this!

Hundred and seven days.

It has been hundred and seven days since she has been gone.On Wednesday 11 October was the day She was born.She would have been 67 yrs old.My Dear Mother.Some days I think of you and just smile and my heart swells with happiness at all the good memories I have of you.Somedays I cry my eyes out thinking of you and your departure.Oh….Mama somedays I understand that you tried to live with the pain but it got too much for you.

I wonder if your at peace….I so wish I could just talk to you one last time.I wish you could tell me how is it at your side.I wish you could narrate to Me about the world your living in.I wish to ask you if its true that…you sheperd the ducks…is it true that everything Is green and life is good that side.I wish you can tell Me about what life is like beyond the grave.I wish to see if you are living in a spiritual world or a physical world.have you met your Father yet?was it a joyful reunion when you met with your brothers and sisters.Where you amazed to see that your Mom was also there? Did she tell you that She also passed on the same day as you.

Have you seen your sons yet?are they grown up?what kind of a world do you live in Ma….or is this other world a figment of our imagination Mama?oh how I wish you could answer Me my Queen.oh MaZacharia I knew you were on your way out but it came too soon for Me.will I ever not think of you?will it ever be possible not to think of you bathong!days have turned to weeks and weeks to months and soon it will be years Mama.I miss you every day!

If u have no scars,no bitter memories,that tears at yo soul…memories that haunts you daily,then you don’t belong at my table.I sup with those who have lived,who are covered by  scars and regrets,those who have fought and came back victorius…who have been to the battlefield and are still here to tell their tales…thank God am still here….to tell you that #Iam a woman…

life….A tribute to my Mom.

Life as I know it will never be the same.I will Never hear you calling out My name”Seloile ever again, no one called My name quite exactly like you Mama….only you called My name uniquely. I loved how you called it.

It’s been a year since I heard your laughter.You laughed easily and simply.Your laughter was so soft like your voice.The lil girl in Me thought you would live until I was ready to let go.I used to think that you laughed at serious things…remember when Kagiso came back home beaten by thugs? When you started to tell Me you said ” Kagiso was attacked” and You said “iam heart broken”😢😢 and you started laughing and we laughed so hard oh Mama. I thought you were going to get well.

I didn’t think I was seeing you for the last time on the 26th.on the 27th I released you.Because you said “everytime I sleep you wake Me up” I woke you up at the hospital I called you Mama Mama Mama.but you didn’t answer.I feel so lost.You don’t know the pain of losing your Mom, Mama.You don’t…. ’cause You never got to hear those words that shattered my world. Your Mom is no more.No you left with Her Mama.oh…..The lil girl in Me wants Her Mom.The woman in me tries to understand that it wasn’t easy for you Mama but never the less the pain is intense it’s so unbearable…. Tsamaya sentle Mosetsana wa Mokgatla….roballwa ke ditlhokwa Mama. Fela Botshelo will never be the same without you.Good night Ma….

Covered wounds don’t heal.

I sat there listening to Her as She told Me what I never thought She would say.She said guard your heart against anger and bitterness, they rob you of your peace, they eat at your soul.An angry Person can never write “love lives here on their status updates”, I laughed at this and She asked “why are you laughing” She smiled and it was so good to see Her smile after months of seeing Her face twisted In pain and anger. 

I said “am laughing cos I never thought that you know the language spoken on social media”, Owai. …You “think you are the only one who knows the social media language?”. “My Grand children always tells Me, and shows Me what they post on those social media”.Well She said” do not allow yourself to be angry to a point that it changes you”. Anger and bitterness steal  your blessings, you can’t be angry and be blessed! .”My Father,your Grand Father always warned Me against anger ” As She said it Her face got very sad.

I said. ..where has this wise Woman being hiding? She said to Me” here, She” said you know nothing humbles you like sickness.” It forces you to take stock of your life, You learn to appreciate the beauty of living. You realise how short life is, you suddenly remembers the values you had long forgotten”. She said  I tell you this because I don’t want you to make the same mistakes that I made.”I said but you have never been an angry person. She “said to Me, I have been.

 She said, “free yourself from anger” .When you are angry….you dance with the devil without even realising it.You sell your soul to Him.She”said My Child life is all about choice.You can’t give what you don’t have…If you have no peace…how can you live peacefully with others? If you have no love, how do you love the next Person?love loves…She said.I said jokingly oh Mamane you could be a poet you know……as I giggled. She smiled again…

She “said covered wounds don’t heal, they become wet and infested with puss and blood and sticks to the bandage and ends up smelling!.She said “I can never stress this enough that, when you carrying anger and hatred in your heart, it only hurts you and renders you powerless”.Nothing can ever be ok when your  inner Person is in turmoil.” ..I said “but Mamane you have always been this loving and kind Person”. She said “you only say that cos you don’t want to hurt Me….I said oh no…and I meant this….This was the Woman who practically raised Me….raised My Babies, it pained Me to see Her ĺike that.

She said ” this is the real staff that life is made of….We are not in Hollywood. This is as real as it gets.She told Me ” when Simon died, I died with Him.My Soul, died….I felt so bitter, I asked myself “Kante where is this Karma thing that People always raves about?….I felt “He had an easy way out”.How dare He dies without paying for His sins? I wanted to see Him suffer! He was not supposed to die…..She said “I punished Myself in the process.I never left the dead to be buried, and continue living.He still had a hold on Me beyond the grave.